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Born Identity
My sister was born in the back of a cab on the last day of August. I was not there, but the way I hear it told, it was quite an event. The cab driver stopped the cab when it became obvious they would not make it, and he talked my mother, and quite a bit more frantic father, through the whole thing. I donТt know how much of the story to believe (Maybe this particular cabbie was working his way through medical school) but I do know one thing, that was a tough act to follow. Being born one year, ten months, and twelve days later than her, I knew my entrance into the world would have to be special.
I wasnТt scheduled to peak out and say УhiФ until two days and two years after my sister, but I had other plans. If I was going to make this thing big, it would be on my time, and my way. So, not only did I decide to come early, I was going to wait until the early morning to make my move. Mom wouldnТt have had her usual vat of haagan daaz (it was her УthingФ during the eight months we spent together to feed me) and dad wouldnТt have had his vat of coffee, which became a symptom of my kangaroo like visit with my mom. Both of them would be disoriented, and I would have the stage set.
All my plans came together on July 12th, 1981. I was going to wait until a Friday, when it would seem more festive, but I was already getting so nervous, I decided I had better get a move on. At first I was so happy, I just decided to dance around a bit, kind of celebrate my coming. That really got things going. Mom started screaming for dad to get up, get the stuff, yackity yack. She was making such a commotion I thought I might just loose my hold and depart prematurely. I managed to keep it all together, and dad somehow managed to get us to the car.
When we got to the hospital things really picked up. Doctors were running this way and that; nurses were falling all over each other. Mom even got to ride in a chair with wheels. I thought that was pretty nice, since the car ride and my little dance had taken her a bit out of sorts. The doctor was really cool. He was coaching her like it was the Diamond Nationals and he was mister Mi Agi. He was just telling her not to forget to breathe, Уbreathing most important part.Ф Well, she evidently thought screaming was more important, and this point of departure caused them both to try to demonstrate the merits of their plans.
So he was breathing, she was screaming, dad had long since passed out. I guess he was tired from all the driving. Car rides always got me like that too. Anyway, I thought it was just about time to make the big scene. Since the whole place was coming down around me anyway, I decided to head for the light. Later, I would be told to stay away from it (the light, you pervert), but for now it seemed like a good choice.
Man, was I nervous. I mean, up until this point my life was fairly evenly divided between sleeping and eating haagan daaz (at least, thatТs what I thought it was). Now I was going to have to perform. Gosh, seems to me I should have stayed in. But out I came. At 1:46 a.m. I stepped into the world. Geez, this was going to be a lot of work.
Oh yeah, I told you I had something big planned. It was this great number where I slap the doctor, instead of the other way around. He cries, then I run off with the nurse. It would have been great too, but I just didnТt have the guts. Well, actually, I had the guts, but I didnТt have the bladder. I told you I was nervous. When I came out, al I could do was pee my pants. Of course, I wasnТt wearing any pants, so I had to pick the next best thing. When that doctor picked me up to see if everything was where it should be, I let goЕall over his face. He didnТt seem to like it, but I think maybe secretly he thought it was a pretty funny gag. Just to be sure, I did the same thing to him at my two-week check up. That time he laughed, and gave me my first sense of what cool really was. He looked at me, then at my mom and said, УWell, we know that works.Ф
So things didnТt work out as I planned. Twenty-one years later it seems like they never will. But looking back I think it was ok. I learned to see things a different way, and to improvise. I also learned not to try to outdo anyone. Just being myself seemed to be enough for everyone in the room that day. But boy, it would have been cool to run off with the nurse.
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